daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnits one of those days again

the big need for meaning in life.
so pathetic.
at the moment i have nothing in my life thats worth living for,
except my family.its not much of a family. we dont do many things together.
we don't talk too much. nothing like bonding and stuff like that.
still family is family. seems there is an unspoken, undefined tie there.
w/c i think is impossible to work out.

i wish/hope i'll die young. maybe 25. doesnt matter if i havent partied enough or seen enough or done enough. if i can avoid a future of struggles i think thats fine.

being on good terms with a few people does not mean they're going to like me having such a loser in their side. ~~
actually i doubt anyone wants to talk to someone as boring and depressing as me.

i am not the kind to have a place in someone's heart.
me. plain old me. just another person. another ex-classmate.
another someone-i-know.someone of little significance.
mostly because
i don't treat others as well as i should.

if u don't already know, i have a very low energy level. very passive. don't have much to say.don't feel too much. don't bother myself with too many external things.

But...I want to see things clearly~~to feel why some people find/s the word life joyful.
Am I really that contradicted. ?


i find it ironic.
that although it doesn't take much to satisfy/amuse/impress me,
nothing much interests me either~~generally.
I might be interested to something but after a day, a week or so--
I got bored and I felt numb again.


The moment I felt this was last weekend.
I was having troubles again,
my mom plugged out the cable for the internet,
so I was totally bored like HeeLL ~
and nothing worth to watch in TV either,
it's so annoying~~they always repeat movies like 100 times over.
So, I was expecting a call~~just a feeling that I need to talk to someone~~'
anything... randomly anything.
But I didn't receive any for the whole day.
no sms.no calls.
so, I slept.

I dont know, why I took it as a big deal.
crap, Im not an emo am I??!?
no.no.absolutely not, I m probably experiencing some self struggle
or whatever they called that.

this was probably the effect of my unfortunate LT.
a very huge problem~~and I felt sorry for myself for being so stupid.

I want to die,
to die peacefully in my sleep.
and I hope the SAWman won't read this,
coz he kinda punishes someone when they complain about dying and all.
I know, I know, its just a movie~~ but I just watched SAw 5 a while ago...

But it's a good thing, that I define well~~ about how I feel/felt today.
Coz when I have my stupid problems or anything that I think is a problem
I totally lose it, I can't feel anything about it.

To be honest, even though at those particular moments~~
being emotionally detached,..
I was kind of ...scared that it will overcome me.
...that one day,
I'll wake up and cannot differentiate between cemetery and a garden.
cannot feel the rain.
and blankly thinking that the world is just another realm of walking zombies.

*sigh**.

I might not be scared in the dark,
or when Im alone.
but~sometimes,
I need someone who will be there
in my darkest moments,
w/out any hesitation.
and telling non stop corny jokes.
who will just call me randomly and inviting me to go bunjee jumping w/ them.

but...it doesn't matter to me anymore.
I might as well die and ask to be reborn
to be a vampire,... sucking out people's blood.
then I got caught, they cut my throat out,
burned me, give my body parts to the dog,
and DIED.

but while my brain is burning,
my vampire self wished to be a human,
and when I was reborn & became a human
and my human self wanted to be vampire...
same fate.same destination.
DEATH.